The Ultimate Joke Thread

[Lumí]

Okies, I'm a really big fan of good old written jokes. And since there's no such thread on here yet, time to create one. No picture posts, we already got a funny pics thread. And to keep this thread reader-friendly you have to post jokes in Olive color. That is because olives just simply taste great and to make the jokes more visible and easier to spot in the middle of (all the possible) comments.

WARNING

This is a Lumithread and Lumithreads are nice and spam-free!

Funny English Mistranslations
Ever had grammar problems in your old English class? Felt bad about it? Well, you'll feel better when you read these...

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates:
If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

And I thought my english was bad ^^

[SuomiKukka]

Also I agree for the spam free, free warnings given for spammers!

Son called hes father:"Dad now the Russian are in moon!"
Dad:"Are they all in there?"
Son:"Uhm, no..."
Dad:"Then why are you calling me?"

[Necro]

As you know, Australia was a colony of the British Empire, the island was used as a huge prison:

An English guy is going through customs in Australia. The guard is asking for the passport, and asks how long he will be in Australia.
Australian guard: "Do you have a criminal record?"
English guy: LOL!!! 'Still required?'

[Tempestusz]

THERE WEHERE 3 DUTCH PEOPLE

1 HES NAME IS KLAAS
2 HES NAME IS JAN
3 HES NAME IS KLAAS-JAN

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

[Marksel]

A family recently purchased a lie detector, that slaps anyone that tells a lie.
A little boy comes home at 01:00 AM, and his father asked why he is home so late. The boy answered: I was doing homework my friend's place!. The lie detector gently slaps the little boy and his father had to laugh, and said: Why do you even bother lieing? What's up with kids lieing nowadays anyway? When I was a kid, I never lied to my parents! The lie detector gave the father an even bigger slap.
The little boy's mother saw this and couldn't hold her laugh either. After which she said: Yep, the little guy doesn't differ much from you! You are after all his father! The lie detector now slaps the boy's mother off of her chair.

[Ancient]

I liked the joke from marksel only...

This joke is for those that laugh about anyting..

A guy comes to a bakershop, he ask a 1 piece of bread
Baker : white or brown?
Guy : Doesnt matter im on a bike anyway!

Funny aint it?

[Marksel]

A guy is working in a bakery, when suddenly a man comes in and shouts: HAHA I DID YOUR MOTHER!!!, the guy says: shut up dad, I'm working -_-"

[Yagami Raito]

A:Do you like fishdicks(fishsticks)?
B:Yes.
A:Then you are a Gay fish.

Special thanks to south park.

[Mizurri]

At the bar: Guy1: hey check out that chick, im going to f*** her, ( after a time ) guy1: she is great but my wife is better...guy2: im going to try to f*** to, ( after a while ) whoeeeee, yes she is good but your wife is better!

[thereporter]

A truck driver was driving along the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

[Lumí]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their
first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all
gathered around the surgery table with the body covered
with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them: 'In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor.
The first is that you arn't to be disgusted by anything involving the human body.

'For example...' the Professor pulled back the sheet,
stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it
and stuck his finger in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same
thing,' he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes,
but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of
the dead body and sucking on it. Each one tried his best
not to puke.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them
and told them, 'The second most important quality is
observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my
Index finger. Now learn to pay attention!".

[LuminCoB]

Disgusting Lumí! x]

Here's a mean one:

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the wall over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle.

But is not only that Mum, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want.

In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter, Judith.

P.S.: Mum, it's not true. I'm at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in the desk drawer.

[Hanyuu]

These are 30 things people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q. Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing
?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

[Falastiny]

Edit.
Ill think of a joke. lol

[Agent Smith]

The people are walking next to eachother, then one says: can I walk in the middle?

XD!

[Lumí]

Interpretation of what men say

1. "I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously
stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

2. "IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical"

3. "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

4. "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

5. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means: "I have no idea how it works."

6. "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I was just looking at what that
redhead over there is wearing.

7. "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD". Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

8. "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you still talking?"

9. "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I remember the theme song to F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

10. "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES". Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

11. "OH,DON'T FUSS,I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

12. "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING". Means: "And I sure I hope I think of some pretty soon."

13. "I CAN'T FIND IT." Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

14. "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "What did you catch me at?"

15. "I HEARD YOU." Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

16. "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

17. "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

18. "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

19. "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

[LuminCoB]

Things womens say.

1. Fine:
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes:
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing:
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with Nothing usually end with Fine.

4. Go Ahead:
This is a dare, not permission. Do not do It!

5. Loud Sigh:
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of Nothing.)

6. That’s Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That is okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks:
A woman is thanking you, do not question or faint. Just say: “You are welcome.”

8. Whatever:
Is women’s way of saying …

9. Don’t Worry About It, I Got It:
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What is wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to #3.

[hazik666]

Chuck Norris won an award today.

Kanye West sat politely in his seat.

[Lumí]

Great post Lumin ^^ (and so true..) I knew I liked you

What size do you want?

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said,

“Hey that’s a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?”

The other old lady said, “It’s a condom.”

“A condom? Where do you get those?”

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the
questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her,

“What size do you want?”

The old lady thought for a minute and said, “One that will fit a Camel.”

[SuomiKukka]

Lumi@ nononononono Im dying at laughing

Do not read if you feel uncomfortable...

A young boy of about fourteen and his father are avid woodsmen. One day, on a trip to the country, dusk catches them in the woods. They set up their tent and, after dinner, they go to sleep. The man wakes up in the middle of the night and says to his son, "What are you doing, son?"
After a short silence he answers, "I'm wanking, father."
"Oh. And how is it going?" he asks.
Another minute of awkward silence passes.
"It is hard, but I can't really feel anything," says the boy.
To which his father replies, "You should maybe try it with your own cock, then."
-----------------------------------------
There were 3 girls on a plane thats about to crash.

The American girl puts on her makeup, "Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first" she said.

French girl opens her bra,"Rescuers will save a girl with beautiful tits."

The African removes her knickers and says "Fuck off, they all ways look for the black box first."
------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the man that was born with both sexes?

He had a dick and a brain!
----------------------------------------
Little Johnny was sitting in his first sex ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board.

"Does anyone know what this is?" she asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!"

"Two of them?!" the teacher asked.

"Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy's teeth!"

[riz`]

what do u call a pig that knows karate?
pork chop!!

[riz`]

This man was driving down a curvy country road. Another car turns a corner and approaches him going the other direction. A woman sticks her head out the window and yells "PIG!!" The man sticks his head out the window and yells "BITCH!" He turns the corner and his car smashes into a pig.

[LuminCoB]

Hahaha I'm lmao from these jokes! xD Thanks Lumi, yours is nice and very true too. ;P
And loved the first one SuvI, quite nasty, but that's how we like it. x]

-------------------------------
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without herpanties ." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'
-------------------------------

- I laughed so hard at this one! -
--------------------------------
A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note. Romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears and bought apair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves, and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note...

"Darling,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones which are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me thepair she was wearing for the past weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on and she looked smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them Friday night. All My Love, P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

[paul_boy15]

GIRL: Father, I have sinned a great sin. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD. PRIEST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?

GIRL: Well Father, he kissed me.
PRIEST: You mean like this?

GIRL: Yes, Father.
PRIEST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But Father, he put his hand in my bra.
PRIEST: You mean like this?

GIRL: Yes, Father.
PRIEST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But Father, he took my cloths off.
PRIEST: You mean like this?

GIRL: Yes, Father.
PRIEST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But Father, he had sex with me!
PRIEST: You mean like this?

GIRL: Yes, Father.
PRIEST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But Father he told me he has AIDS.
PRIEST: The BASTARD!

[LuminCoB]

A Laughter A Day Keeps The Satan Away



Speedy Morris was the basketball coach at LaSalle and they were having a pretty good season. One morning, he was shaving and the phone rang. His wife answered it and called out to him that Sports Illustrated wanted to talk to him.
Coach Morris was excited that his team was apparently about to receive national recognition in this famous sports magazine. As a matter of fact, he was so excited that he cut himself with his razor.
Covered with blood and shaving lather and running downstairs to the phone, he tripped and fell down the stairs. Finally, bleeding and bruised, he made it to the phone and breathlessly said, "Hello"?
The voice on the other end asked, "Is this Speedy Morris"?
"Yes, yes!" he replied excitedly.
Then the voice continued, "Mr. Morris, for just seventy-five cents an issue, we can give you a one-year subscription to Sports Illustrated."

[Sponsored content]